Tag Archives: depression

Dark Days

30 Nov

Not only are the days darker but my mood has followed suit. Since my last blog post things have been difficult. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is–my anti-depressant not working, the weather, work, stress…I’m not sure if I’ll ever know the answer but my doctor and I are trying.

Right now I’ve switched from Celexa to Prozac. I’ve been on Celexa since I was 20 (quick math, that’s eleven years). My doctor thinks it wasn’t working anymore, and there have been some negative studies lately regarding Celexa and the dosage I was on. Celexa also can cause you to be tired, which is not good for me when I’m depressed because I sleep a lot. Prozac is supposed to increase my energy a bit. It’s been a long process since I have to slowly go off the old pills and slowly up the dosage on the other. This means going off the Celexa caused flu like symptoms and mood swings. Now that I’m on the Prozac I’ve had trouble sleeping. The past three nights I have insomnia. It’s a little scary what drugs can do to your body and mind.

What would help during this process is working out. Since I last blogged I haven’t been consistent with any sort of exercise program or food plan. I know it’s important I do something but with my lack of sleep the last thing I want to do is workout. So why was I slacking before I went to the doctor? Depression. It makes it difficult to do my normal tasks.

This next week will mark the Celexa being completely gone from my body. With my husband’s help I plan on getting food situated this weekend. Tonight I’m going to try everything I can think of to help me sleep so I can get back on a regular schedule. This will help me to get on track for the gym. If I can’t get up early, I may have to start going to the gym after work.

As I learned in college, it is very important for someone with depression to have a schedule. It gives you control over at least a small aspect of your life and helps you at least know some of the things you can expect for the day.

In other news, I just got done reading The Lost Dogs by Jim Gorant. I was bawling before I got to Chapter Four. Typically I avoid books, shows, commercials, and movies where dogs are abused. I knew eventually there would be some good in the book and I think it’s important to educate myself before I discuss topics. The book was good but I in no way shape or form forgive Michael Vick. I feel if someone can inflict pain and torture on a living thing, they are capable of anything. How could you do something to a helpless being when they are crying in pain. It makes me want to vomit. And fight for dogs’ rights! After reading the book I decided to become more involved and am looking into donating and volunteering for ASPCA and similar organizations.

The good thing about the Vick case is it brought more attention to dogfighting and all of the dogs minus one were given a chance for a new life. In previous dogfighting cases, almost all dogs were euthanized due to potential danger. A majority of the Vick dogs were rehabilitated and are house pets. Some are even therapy dogs!

I have to remind myself to look at the good and focus on that. With all the great people who surround me and my dear pup, I know I can do it. I’ll be back on Sunday with meal planning and a workout schedule.



New Smoothie Recipe and Other Musings

1 Aug

The past two mornings I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. Now, I know people say that, but I literally did not want to leave the house. I was so sad, anxious, and crabby that I felt the world would be a better place if I just stayed in. Why? That is a very good question, and I do not have the answer. The only answer I have is that I have major depression. Now before I get into the nitty gritty, I’ll tell you why I decided to blog about my illness. I’ve read a couple posts from my favorite bloggers that went over similar topics, especially one from Hungry Runner Girl. She wrote a great post about how she tries to be happy and positive all the time for other people but she can only do so much. Been there, done that.

I have had anxiety and depression since I was a young child. There were times I would tell my mom I wanted to die when I was only five years old. I told her I wanted to go home to Jesus. I can’t even imagine what my poor mother thought. I wasn’t diagnosed with anxiety issues until high school when I began acting out at home. I punched through the dining room window, and I cut myself with a knife. I went to therapy but wasn’t on any medication. In my sophomore year in college I became very depressed. I didn’t go to classes and received the worst grades I’ve ever had. The second semester I laid some pills out on my desk. Instead of taking them, I called for help. I was hospitalized for one night and released into the care of my parents (who are THE best parents in the world). I had to drop out of school that semester and my roommates asked me to move out, people who I thought were my friends, because they didn’t want to feel responsible for me.

Those were not good times. I’ve been on Celexa since then and have my ups and downs. I want to get off my anti-depressants someday but I am also aware that this may not happen. This illness runs in both sides of my family, with several people committing suicide on my dad’s side.

At work this morning I had a breakdown. I had my moment where I cried in the bathroom. People were wondering why I was sad. There was a comment, “She has a brand new house, new husband, and so many things going for her.” Let me settle this, not once have I wanted someone to feel bad for me. I want people to try to understand me. I know that I am very blessed and I am thankful for that everyday. The thing about depression is it’s a disease. I don’t know why I feel sad sometimes, or why I feel worthless, I just do. A majority of the time I can talk myself out of it, but I have my moments. I can’t be happy all the time. There are times where my raw emotions will take over.

This is another reason I need to exercise. When I exercise I feel like there is a strong possibility that I will be able to go off my medication. And I have made long strides since the day I was hospitalized. But this is something that will always be with me.

On a more cheerful note, I was greeted by my loving hub and happy pup when I got home which helped ease the heaviness on my chest. And I have a new smoothie recipe!

Mango Coconut Smoothie

1/2 cup frozen mango chunks

1/2 frozen banana

1 scoop vanilla protein powder

1 cup coconut water

1/2 cup soy milk

1/2 tablespoon flax meal

1 handful spinach

Put all in the blender and let ‘er rip! I drink half and leave the other half in the freezer until the next day.

For breaky, I had the smoothie and a piece of my Clean Eating Banana Bread. Lunch was the shrimp salad, chased with some snacks of Planters Energy Mix and grapes with a side of string cheese. I was going to have leftovers for dinner but I let the hub eat the chicken and I had cereal.

I checked out a weight lifting DVD at the library today which I’m excited to use this week. I will be sure to give a review!