Our Road to Parenthood

20 Nov

This is something I wrote shortly after our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage….

We were so excited to start trying to get pregnant. I even downloaded a fertility app a few months before to make sure we were on the right track. Five days before my period was due, I knew I was pregnant. I anxiously began taking tests but they came up negative. Three days before my period I spotted one of the pregnancy tests I’d taken in the bottom of my cupboard—it was positive. Turns out you really do need to wait the full three minutes they suggest! Three of the tests I’d taken in the days earlier were actually positive. I told Nathan and we took another test right away. Positive. We made an appointment at the doctor for that day and it was confirmed—we were going to have our first baby.


The weeks leading up to our eight week appointment were full of excitement and happiness (and a little crabbiness on my part). I had common pregnancy symptoms—sore chest, a little nausea, tired, bloating, etc. I was concerned about the possibility of a miscarriage, but I was more excited than anything. That led me to tell more people than I should. Nathan’s parents bought a cheap glider at a yard sale, and a picture frame with baby booties. I bought a belly band and some shirts that would allow my tummy to expand. We started taking pictures at every week. We started calling the baby BP.


At the eight week appointment we went through all the questions and all the details. An ultrasound wasn’t scheduled but I told the doctor I wanted one as soon as possible since I’m an anxious person. She tried on her old machine but said the yolk sac was clearly visible but she wasn’t finding anything else. She said it was ok though, since my due date might just be earlier than we thought. I knew it wasn’t since I was tracking so closely. I started to get concerned but knew that sometimes they need to do an internal ultrasound in the early stages. She tried to schedule one for us that day, but was only able to squeeze one in the next day. It definitely worried me that she wanted to get us in so soon. After the appointment, Nathan told me to relax and not be too concerned.


I wasn’t too stressed at the ultrasound, but after she tried several times to see something and left the room, I knew there was a problem. The doctor called the ultrasound tech on the phone and then came in. She started to tell me about what was happening, but I knew it was bad news. The embryo had implanted but stopped growing—an anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum. Essentially, things kept happening as if I was still pregnant but I wasn’t. I’ve never seen Nathan that upset before in my life. I’ve never felt that empty before. All your hopes, dreams, and pictures of the future disappear. No matter what anyone tells you at that point, how it was meant to be, you got pregnant in the first place, you’ll have another one soon, it wasn’t your fault, it happens to a lot of people, etc.—it doesn’t take the pain away.


I knew that I could not emotionally go through having a natural miscarriage or take a pill to make it happen quicker. We decided to do a D and C. I was scared, sad, and felt completely alone. Nathan came with me but they take you up to prepare by yourself. Then they wheel you into your room by yourself. They ask you to say your name and birthday. All I could get out was my name before I started crying. They quickly gave me something to help with my anxiety and that’s all I remember until I woke up. I asked for the doctor but they said she was gone. I asked if everything was ok and they said it went fine. I told them to thank everyone for me, because they’d been so kind.


Nothing in life can prepare you for the pain or sorrow of a miscarriage. But you can learn from it. I’ve learned how strong Nathan is, how great a father he will be someday. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I think I am, but that I need to take time to be kind to myself. It’s been reaffirmed that Nathan is the person I was always meant to be with. There is no other person I could’ve went through this with but him. I’ve learned that it’s okay to give up control, it’s okay to lay on the couch all day, and it’s okay to cry. But it’s not okay to let the sadness consume you, to let it take over your life, to let it prevent you from being happy and enjoying life. I’ve learned that where I am is right where I’m supposed to be, and that our baby is coming.

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